Incompatible States

Red and blue are primary colors. They are incompatible states. So are love and hurt.

Love does not hurt. If it hurts it’s not love. Period.

People who love us can end up hurting us. Sometimes our emotional luggage smashes into other people’s shins. Welcome to the human experience.

But I watch too many people perform mental gymnastics worthy of Cirque du Soleil to convince themselves that ongoing abusive, toxic, hurtful behavior is love. If it hurts it is not love. Period.

A few years back, as I groped my way through painful experience I had this moment where I fell in love. I walked around with the same goofy grin you get when you first fall head over heels for someone. The same euphoric state. The feeling of floating through life. I suddenly understood what the halos in religious pictures were trying to capture. But it wasn’t attached to a person or thing. It was as if I just fell into a big vat of happiness & ease.

I wish I could reach through the internet and give you the experience. Imagine basking in a delicious sunbeam on a gloriously warm spring day. You’re so immersed in it you can’t tell if the warmth is coming from within or without.

When a person is operating from love there is acceptance, compassion, kindness, joy and growth. When you are in relationship with a person operating from love there is no need to prove or redeem yourself.  When you are with them you feel like you are basking in that warm glowing sun. You get to be you. You find your best you comes forward.

I discovered that day that attachment to another person is not required to access love. That’s a hard concept for many people, especially those of us who have been sold the whole idea of romantic love. You know that is a social construct created to keep horny knights roaming the countryside in check, right?

The thing that makes me the saddest is watching people convince themselves blue is red and a relationship rooted in fear, control, and hurt is somehow love. Seriously. Stop it. Just stop it. If it hurts it isn’t love.

Love, the state of joy, compassion, acceptance, growth and a goofy grin is right there accessible to any one of us at anytime. All on our own.

And all that said, love is by nature sharing. I find it is such enormous fun that I want to invite someone to come along.


For those of you thinking, “Enough with the analogy! Where’s the How To List?”

Here ya go:

1) Stop tolerating toxic behavior. You know if you are. Do you have the guts to actually do something about it?

2) Take 15 minutes each day to sit and imagine yourself the glorious spring sunbeam of love or floating in the vat of happiness and ease.

3) Now take that sunshiney glow out into the world. When anyone crosses your path. Look for the opportunity to make their day better.

4) Find the people who are operating from love. Hang around them. Or puppies. Puppies are pretty much pure love.

5) Find 5 things to be grateful for everyday. Gratitude is the gateway drug to love.


photo: flickr

























Photo: Horia Varlan